i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
