you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
