im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
