did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
