New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
