im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
