So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize