So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm really busy with my period
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