Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
