I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
