Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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