It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize