My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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