Do you still have your period?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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