toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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