How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
