Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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