On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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