Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
