you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
