If that was your dad, he is hot
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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