"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
