I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize