State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
