i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
