Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
