Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
