if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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