I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
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