omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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