she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just pee around me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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