My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
