You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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