my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
