If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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