just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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