Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize