girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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