I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
