just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
