the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
