True but thats because hes a fetus.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Princesses don't give blow jobs
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
