I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
