Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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