You're my little dorito
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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