why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
