Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she pinky promised me she was 18
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
