If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
