he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
