I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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