In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
