At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
