I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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