Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
