if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
