Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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