I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize